Miracle Share

The social network for students and teachers of "A Course in Miracles"

My First Anniversary

I had almost forgotten that tomorrow, June 13th, is a special day. Tomorrow is my anniversary. Tomorrow will mean that I have not binged or purged for one full year. I expected to feel thrilled by this, but I don’t.

Last summer, as I tallied up the days and weeks that passed by without lapsing into the bulimic pattern that had plagued me since I was 15 years old, I felt relief and pride. Nearly one year later though, I find myself feeling apathetic about the idea. I mean, so what? I didn’t even lose weight this year.

And that’s when it occurred to me.

I am placing the importance of my body over my spiritual wellness and frankly, that’s what got me into this mess in the first place.

These are the thoughts that keep me here, distracted and caught up in the crazy idea that I am nothing unless I am thin.

There’s a saying in 12-Step…”Progress, not perfection” and that is where I am. I am not perfect, far from it. I mess up. I commit to a plan of eating and then I lapse. I commit to an exercise regime and then I find excuses not to continue. I do all these things, and yet there is a kindness behind my actions that was not there before. The voice that judges has been hushed, while the voice of compassion has been given a microphone to relay all the reasons why none of it really matters and all should be forgiven.

That is where I am.

So tomorrow, as I breathe deeply and remember a year without violence against myself I will smile. It is an accomplishment, the result of a commitment to loving myself as a part of the whole. And though my body may not yet reflect the inner kindness I so freely bestow these days, it will someday. Or it won’t. Either way, the truth of who I am no longer seems a distant dream. It lies just beyond a veil, within reach. And with help I will part it. And I will know I am so much more than a body. So much more.

I’m getting there. Undoing so many years of maniacal thinking is no easy task. And thank God, I do not do it alone. I could never do it alone.

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http://danielleboonstra.com

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Comment by Danielle Boonstra on July 2, 2012 at 11:06pm: Thank you ladies ♥

And thank you Pat for sharing you experiences and wisdom with grace and an open heart :) This is truly helpful.

Comment by Pat Kammer on July 2, 2012 at 10:17am: This Month July 19th as I write this, would have been 58 years with my husband, He is gone into an invisible realm. I have to share something with you.

I went to the I Can Do It conference in Toronto June 23rd. 2012 , It was a fun weekend with 3 of my dear friends. My husband had been gone a month. I was elated at how Spirit had lifted me above the emotional basket case I could have been. During the conference, Brian Weiss spoke and he led over 2000 people into a meditation, a hypnotic, regression. I immediately saw my husband, he was bathed in purple, pink light. He was all excited and happy (unlike his personality) He excitedly said, I am okay, I am happy, here come here and see this...., I said Charlie I am glad you are happy but i can't come just yet, see you sometime but I have a lot to do yet here.

It was so real and it felt so uplifting to know for certain he is okay and happy.

Miracles happen when love reigns

Comment by Susan Dugan on June 26, 2012 at 2:41pm: Beautiful awareness, Danielle. Your growing gentleness shines bright. Happy anniversary!

Comment by Divina on June 26, 2012 at 1:58pm: What a sweet and satisfying anniversary, happy anniversary to you, Danielle. I'm deeply inspired by this post, as I am currently in the midst of dealing with these type of issues myself (but not alone, I now know). Wishing you well, sending you love, and offering much appreciation to you. :) Divina

Comment by Danielle Boonstra on June 13, 2012 at 11:00am: Thank you so much Stacey ♥

Comment by Stacey D. on June 12, 2012 at 3:17pm: Your blog post was inspiring to me, having battled with body and self esteem issues myself.

Getting to where we want to go is a step by step process, and from what you write it seems like you're getting there, so don't forget to pat yourself in the back every now and then.

Remember that you are more than just a body, and that once you can love yourself as you are and accept yourself, flaws and all, everything else begins to make sense and fall into place.

Many blessings on your journey, wishing you continued enlightenment and inspiration!