I'm entering my 10th day at the hospital, and at this point I don't know whether or not it will be my last, but I'm keeping my spirits up and going with the flow. The support helps a lot, because it is definitely a frustrating situation and I've have my moments, but I'm pulling through. I've learned several things during my stay I'd like to share.
Lessons From the Hospital
- Humility. So far I've peed myself at least six times, had three different strangers bathe me, including thoroughly washing my privates, pooped and wiped my ass in front of complete strangers, been naked, etc. And you know what, who cares? In the past that would have really bothered me, and some of those moments were very demoralizing, but I've learned that sometimes you just have to let someone else care for you and the nurses deal with this everyday.
- Patience. This is still a work in progress, but I've had to learn to go with the flow more. Day to day changes in my program, never knowing if I'm going home or staying for weeks, vague answers to my questions from doctors, slow nursing staff sometimes. I realize I have no control over any of this and I'm just going to have to be patient and learn to roll with the changes. It's a trial, but I'm definitely improving.
- Ask for Help. This one I've been learning over a period of time, and it's very difficult for me. I'm the leader, the one that solves issues. I'm the person that will get you safely out of a burning building, get you motivated to take your green smoothies, I'm the one that listens and will help you solve your issues. But who guides me? Sometimes I have to accept that I can't do it all alone, and that some people need to stop using me as a crutch and figure things out for themselves.
- Let it Out. I have a tendency to "deal with" my feelings myself. I also have noticed more and more that I WANT to talk about things, I want to release, but I've realized that unloading on my parents/friends/etc. while helpful, I still feel a certain restraint because they are going through all this too, and some of my feelings may be difficult to hear. So while I've been here I've been talking to the Chaplin and it's incredibly helpful. Sometimes you just need a uninterested third party to listen and spill your guts to.
- I Am All Powerful. I've believed this for awhile, but everytime I nearly die (what's i been 4-5 times now?) I am reminded that I have the ability to heal myself, and by taking care of myself, doing my emotional/spiritual work, eating properly, taking my supplement, and it pains me to say it, listen to my Mom, pulls me through everytime. And I KNOW that in a few weeks, I'll be strolling into Eden's Alley for my birthday dinner, hanging out with friends, and having a great time. And by the time my summer trips come around I'll be incredibly healthy, happy and whole. Because at the end of the day, it's all up to me. And this time I have an amazing support group to help kick me into perfect health.