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I was just re-listening to lesson 155…"And now He asks but that you think of Him a while each day, that He may speak to you and tell you of His Love, reminding you how great His trust; how limitless His Love." I was wondering why I don't hear those messages of love, why I think I need and want the love of a "man" (in this case, a particular one) more than the "love of God". "Death" sometimes seems as if it will be the only release from all this emotional agony! Sigh... – MCD
You read A Course in Miracles so you do hear God’s messages of Love. The Course is a love letter from the Truth (God) in you asking you to remember What you really are. Remember this as you learn how to hear the Teacher of Truth (Holy Spirit) within your mind. You are not comfortless.
The Course was scribed by one (Helen Schucman) who was obviously hearing the Teacher of Truth within her mind at the time. Not everyone who picks up the Course is already hearing the Teacher of Truth within. So if you do not hear the It invite It into your awareness. Just ask the Teacher of Truth to come into your conscious mind and keep your mind open. It will come into your awareness in a form that you will understand. You do not always hear the Teacher of Truth as words. Sometimes it is as intuition or unformed thoughts and insights. Sometimes you may feel the Truth as peace descending on you for no seeming reason. And most students feel Something with them when they study the Course. In the beginning, that is often the only time one feels the Teacher of Truth. But it is a beginning and it teaches you to what experience to be open.
You are looking for love from another because you do not yet trust that Love is within you always. As you grow aware of God (Truth) within you, you will find yourself seeking less and less outside yourself to feel love, peace, or happiness. When that happens you will no longer look to your relationships with others to supply you with love. You will recognize your loving relationships as manifestations of the Love that is always within you. So make growing your awareness of God within you your priority. Use the pain of your present state as a reminder to turn inward to God.
You are in pain because you think that the personal self (ego) and its story are your reality. This is a mistake in thinking (mind) and the death of the body would not undo it. In fact it would do nothing.
When your body and your ego and your dreams are gone, you will know that you will last forever. Perhaps you think this is accomplished through death, but nothing is accomplished through death, because death is nothing. Everything is accomplished through life, and life is of the mind and in the mind. The body neither lives nor dies, because it cannot contain you who are life. If we share the same mind, you can overcome death because I did. Death is an attempt to resolve conflict by not deciding at all. Like any other impossible solution the ego attempts, it will not work. (T-6.V.A.1)
You overcome the painful, limited personal experience not by running away into death but by letting it go. On some level you have already accepted this because you became a student of A Course in Miracles. You have chosen the true way out of pain, so use it. It is going to be painful for a while because you will encounter the obstacles to peace (false beliefs) in your mind. But painful situations are now opportunities for you to look at these obstacles and undo them. And the more you undo the less you have to undo.