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I have a boss who has been undergoing treatment for Bipolar Disorder for over 30 years, and I have all of the typical litany of “I love my job, but I hate my boss because……” issues that many of us have throughout our lives, which could let my ego be obsessed with anger and revenge thoughts, if I let it. He has several other health issues, which I honestly believe I could help in healing if it were not for the fact that when I look within, and am vigilant of my thoughts, I know that I am not truly forgiving him, but hold some sort of deep seated pleasure at his “justifiable punishment.” Yes, I realize that if anyone deserves forgiveness “in the world,” it is someone whose inherited and biological issues are the total cause of his hurtful actions. Yes, I realize that we are all worthy, and during or immediately after meditation, I feel I have turned it over to Spirit for healing, but either I am not truly handing it over, or I am not yet seeing the personal healing that might be occurring. Perhaps I am already having the healing lesson experiences and improved thoughts that I am looking for, but if so, it is happening at a slow rate. I have been working on this issue for several months. Odd, that I know, if he apologized, I truly would let it go, but I am aware that I have not completely let it go, as yet, on my own. Should I just be patient and continue to “practice forgiveness” or do you think there is a specific piece of the forgiveness process that I might be missing? - JL
True forgiveness means releasing whatever is appearing in the universe of form in the recognition that only God (the eternal Truth within you) is real. So ultimately true forgiveness means recognizing that there is nothing to forgive. This is a realization that comes to you as you grow your awareness of God.
What happens in the universe of form is neutral – it has no meaning in itself. What disturbs your peace is never what is occurring in form but the meaning that you give to what occurs in form. So if you want peace what you want to forgive (release) are your thoughts about your boss’ behavior. You want to sort out what is fact (he did such and such) from the projection of meaning (this was wrong, bad, I’m his victim, etc.) from the ego (personal thought system). Then you can just observe his behavior without judgment and without taking it personally. This sets your mind free to rest in the awareness within that only God is real.
You have written some thoughts that you will want to correct if you want peace:
You write that the ego could be obsessed with anger and revenge if you let it. The ego is always obsessed with anger and revenge and it will not change. The goal is not to change the ego but to change your mind by choosing to not listen to the ego’s thought system in your mind. It is not you. You do not want to repress its thoughts, which are a means for holding onto them. You want to let them come up so that you can correct them for yourself and let them go (forgive).
It is clear that your repressing the ego’s angry thoughts is not working for you because you “hold some deep seated pleasure at his ‘justifiable punishment’”. Seeing (and wanting) your boss’ health issues as “punishment” is also typical of the ego. His illnesses are simply part of the personal experience for him. They have no meaning in themselves. The ego’s interpretations are not “wrong” or “bad”; they just give meaning to what has no meaning.
You cannot heal another. When one heals it is because they have accepted healing within their own mind, even if it seems to come from outside agents. And you cannot look to the universe of form for “proof” of healing, either. The proof of whether or not your mind is healed is whether or not you are in touch with the peace that is always within your mind. If you are then it will not matter to you what is or is not showing up in the universe of form.
You write that you would let your boss’ behavior go if he apologized but that would not be true forgiveness. That would be the ego feeling validated for seeing itself as a victim of this man, so being “magnanimous” and “forgiving” him. This is the ego’s version of forgiveness, but it would not release you from identifying with an ego, which is the result of true forgiveness.