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I had almost forgotten that tomorrow, June 13th, is a special day. Tomorrow is my anniversary. Tomorrow will mean that I have not binged or purged for one full year. I expected to feel thrilled by this, but I don’t.
Last summer, as I tallied up the days and weeks that passed by without lapsing into the bulimic pattern that had plagued me since I was 15 years old, I felt relief and pride. Nearly one year later though, I find myself feeling apathetic about the idea. I mean, so what? I didn’t even lose weight this year.
And that’s when it occurred to me.
I am placing the importance of my body over my spiritual wellness and frankly, that’s what got me into this mess in the first place.
These are the thoughts that keep me here, distracted and caught up in the crazy idea that I am nothing unless I am thin.
There’s a saying in 12-Step…”Progress, not perfection” and that is where I am. I am not perfect, far from it. I mess up. I commit to a plan of eating and then I lapse. I commit to an exercise regime and then I find excuses not to continue. I do all these things, and yet there is a kindness behind my actions that was not there before. The voice that judges has been hushed, while the voice of compassion has been given a microphone to relay all the reasons why none of it really matters and all should be forgiven.
That is where I am.
So tomorrow, as I breathe deeply and remember a year without violence against myself I will smile. It is an accomplishment, the result of a commitment to loving myself as a part of the whole. And though my body may not yet reflect the inner kindness I so freely bestow these days, it will someday. Or it won’t. Either way, the truth of who I am no longer seems a distant dream. It lies just beyond a veil, within reach. And with help I will part it. And I will know I am so much more than a body. So much more.
I’m getting there. Undoing so many years of maniacal thinking is no easy task. And thank God, I do not do it alone. I could never do it alone.