The calm is coming back…

I had been tense, on edge, impatient. I had peace too long I think. And when you have peace too long, it can be tempting to let the darkness creep back. Just to see. Just to see if it’s still there.

Well, it is as long as I believe that it is. And apparently I still believe that it is.

But I feel the clouds parting and the calm coming back. And the trick will be to forgive myself for forgetting again. I forgot myself. For a moment there, I lost…

I’m rolling through the rough stuff, carrying habits in my hair.  Which one will I reach for?  The food?  The tantrum? The runaway?

Maybe this time, the Light.

I don’t want to to look, have trouble letting go.  And patiently the Light just waits.  It knows me, sees me, pulls me close and whispers: “You’re ok.” I need that.  I need to be told I’m ok.  Because I don’t always feel it.

But this time, the Light.

And I can remember my safety.  I don’t have to look for…

Three things I know about pain:

1) It’s a call for healing.

2) It’s a call for change

3) You cannot compare yours to someone else’s.

Three things I’ve tried to do about my pain:

1) Ignore it

2) Wallow in it

3) Compare it

Everything that has brought suffering in my life has been, ultimately, good.  I have planted roots with it, reached out and up, scaled new horizons of who I am.  In short, I have grown.

Pain is being pushed into…

This feels like the hardest thing I will ever do.  To trust, to surrender.  Faith is something easy to say and yet difficult to have.  

I am used to these senses, these sights.  I act on careful deliberation, use reason as my guide, take calculated risks that barely merit the word.  In short, I live in fear....

No more.

I have begun to trust in something unseen, but not unfelt.  It is the voice of the Truth of who I am.  It tells me all I see is not real, appearing to be…

So this is what it feels like to fall. To leap from a cliff not knowing how deep the water will be. This is what it feels like to drop.

I did not want this.  I was happy touting faith and letting go as the only sane approaches to living in this world; I did not desire reasons to use them myself.  And now, it seems, I have no choice.  There is no going back this time.  The rubber has officially met the road.

And though I say I did not want this, at some level I was willing to…

I opened up.  And all those things I hid for so long came out, came pouring out.  I just kept talking for fear of stopping and not saying it all.  I just kept going.  It was awkward and it was strained, but that’s how freedom starts.  There’s pressure, doubt, tears and then light!  It’s a gentle push that moves through slight obscurity…insecurity.  That’s the beginning of freedom.

I opened up.  And somehow the secrets became silly.  It’s not that I’m silly, or that my feelings…

“Every brother you meet becomes a witness for Christ or for the ego, depending on what you perceive in him.” (T-11.V.18.)

The man came up behind me and stood there. “Uncomfortably close,” was the thought that entered my mind. With hurry, I finished scanning the last of my grocery purchases in the…

Over and over again I see…who could there be but me?  Who else could change my life, my way of being, of seeing?  How could I look to someone else to do that for me? No, no…it is me and that is both daunting and empowering.  I feel unprepared and deliciously excited all at the same time! There is much for me to do and yet there is nothing.  There are many possibilities and yet there is only one.

Because even though I stand at the wheel, there is a divine & loving force that…