My name used to be Fear.

I walked it, wore it, smelled of it, took it on as myself. I moved through life with hands held up as fists, swinging in the dark with teeth clenched and eyes narrowed. It was my way through. It was how I made it through.

But I didn’t move. I stood still, paralyzed with shame. I was ashamed of what I did, what I was, the words I spoke. And that instant was frozen in time, lived over and over again. It was all I knew…the guilt, the pain. It was all I…

Do I stand a ghost of a chance at letting this go?  I don’t know.   I have held on so tightly for 15 years…my knuckles white, my palms red and ruddy.  But I am willing.  For the sake of peace, I am willing.

Who am I without this?  I don’t know.  I have worn these things like a housecoat…something to keep me safe, warm and hidden.  But I am willing to shed it.  For the sake of freedom, I am willing.

And the picture will change, but if the soundtrack is Love we can do it.  We can…

It’s so easy to lay blame sometimes, isn’t it?  It’s addictive even.  To take all the hurt, the guilt and the shame and just throw it out.  Let it land where it may.  Take a look, pick the easiest target and start pointing fingers.

It’s all YOUR fault!

Ah, but I know better.  At least, I’m willing to know better.  I cannot truly believe that Love is all there is and yet think that the world is against me.  It doesn’t work that way.

I am unlearning.  I am…

There are so many things to let go of.  The one that’s in my face these days is: romance.  I don’t think I understood until very recently that there is a HUGE difference between love and romance.  I think I knew it superficially, but I didn’t completely comprehend it.

Love and romance can exist separately from each other.  One implies being, while the other implies showing…proving.

I had a gap in my life for a very long time.  It was a valley deep and wide where self-love…

It all comes down to this: I want to be peaceful.  And from this there is no turning back.  I cannot say that I want success, romantic love, wealth or notoriety without feeling that nudge within that says “Really?  Is that what you really want?”  No.  I want peace.  But I will be a witness to everything else that comes.

I will witness the joys and the pains.  I will witness the reunions and the separations.  I will see it all with a compassionate, knowing eye and the truth will remain…

“We can figure this out,” I said to the man before me and then felt a gentle tug in the back of my mind.

Not really, it said.

And it was just this morning that I understood.  When I attempt to “figure out” something that is not working, not flowing in my life, I am armed with ego from head to toe.  I am led down countless unnecessary paths of thorns only to end up back right where I started.  I need to take a backseat to my life and hire a new navigator, for I am…

So this is what it feels like to fall. To leap from a cliff not knowing how deep the water will be. This is what it feels like to drop.

I did not want this.  I was happy touting faith and letting go as the only sane approaches to living in this world; I did not desire reasons to use them myself.  And now, it seems, I have no choice.  There is no going back this time.  The rubber has officially met the road.

And though I say I did not want this, at some level I was willing to…

This body you see is not me.   I live without and within.  I am bigger than these breasts, these toes, these eyes.  And I am not broken.

When I am able to just be, I shine with effortless ease.  When I am in fear, I shut down, stutter and retreat.  I become like a roller coaster: up and then down, up and then down.  But I am not broken.

These things I say are not me.  They are a snapshot of this place and time.  I am larger than these words, these shrugs and these…

Despite many things having remained the same, my life looks somehow different to me now.  There is a light, a gentle laughter and a knowledge underneath it all.  This is serious business I am undertaking and yet I’m not taking myself seriously.  I am committed to seeing the healing through.

There’s a sense that I’ve had it all wrong for most of my life, but also a sense of that being ok.  I welcome learning.  I welcome a teacher of infinite patience and compassion.  I welcome…

I asked Fear and Fear said no, so I asked Love instead.  And it’s not that Love always says yes, but that Fear always says no.  So I won’t ask Fear anymore.

I’m breaking through to the other side.  I’m opening up to a new way of thinking, of being.  No longer will I be held back by that which wants to hide me.  Instead I choose my light, my power, my truth.

And there’s no big ceremony for this.  There’s no red carpet, no trophy, no prize.  This is merely a decision I make.  And…

A glimpse of light,

too bright.

Enough to silence me,

stop me, bring me back

to square one.

That place where I keep

my eyes closed,

keep secrets.

It’s not safe here, but it is

what I know.

I saw the light,

and came quickly back.

Afraid of what it would mean,

I came…

I have dreams for myself.  I see them in my mind’s eye: bright, broad and big.  There I am special.  There I have it all.  And in the meantime I read and I listen.  I pray and I surrender.  All of this leads me on…it leads me somewhere.

There is a direction to my dreams.  It does not look…

This past November I faced some fears.  It wasn’t my intention to face these specific situations, but it is my intention every morning to surrender and remember what my purpose is, that being to choose love over fear.

It started on the Thursday as I packed my 2 children (Noelle 6 and Ivan 3) into my car to head up to the family cottage for the weekend.  My husband would be meeting us there the following day.  When we left the weather was fairly mild and sunny.  Two…

My 3 year-old son is crazy about cars.  He pretends to be a race car wherever he goes…the supermarket, the library…”Vroom! Vroom!” is all I hear all day long.  I love him for it.  I love that he displays his passion so openly and just wants all of us to go on a ride with him.

While at the park this morning…

It’s amazing how quickly I forget. Things go well, there’s a flow and I start to think I can go it alone. I start to think that I know everything and am ready to catch the fast train to enlightenment. Off I go!! Zooooooom!

Oh Danielle…

But I forgive myself.  I chose wrongly.  Because when I think I’m going it alone, I’m actually just siding with my ego.  I’m thinking with the part of my mind that would make me special and keep me separate from you.  It feels good for a…

My life is a teeter-totter of perfection and unworthiness.  It’s actually pretty funny to witness.  I’m amazing, I suck.  I’m the best, I’m the freakin’ worst.  I’m hot as hell, I’m oh God who is *that*?! And so on.  You get it.  It’s endless and it’s ridiculous.  I’m making all of this much too real.

The real me has nothing to do with these half-hearted extremes.  The real me could care less about all this judgement and projection.  The real me is perfect, unending love.  All I have…