The ego is insane! I got a good glimpse of mine tonight.

As I was working on some of my forgiveness work tonight with my former husband I was thinking about how his "needing" me repulsed me and made me resent him.  This is totally tied into me resenting my father for "needing" my mother. I have viewed "needing" as weakness. I have fought against giving myself fully into anything/anyone because I have this irrational fear of being out of control.

What was really amazing was when I was putting myself into this feeling of being "needed" it was causing a physical reaction. I was repulsed and I was terrified.I felt like I had a weight tied to my neck and I was thrown into the ocean and about to drown.

So, as I sat there with this heavy feeling in my chest I called on Jesus to work through this surprising terror, which was insane (ego reaction).

I couldn't come up with an earthly reason for this terror and then I remembered all our problems are the same right? Form changes, but all the same Content. Our belief in the tiny, mad idea. So, here I am projecting MY guilt onto my dad and former husband trying to make them guilty and weak, meanwhile, I am the one that is really feeling guilty. And what I am really terrified of is the Love of God. Of Atonement. Of my ego extinction. It is completely insane and strong as hell.

I know this guilt is always in me, but when I can actually experience the fear and bring it to the light I fell so much better, lighter and no longer afraid.

In the Course somewhere it talks about bringing our darkness to a high jury and them throwing the case out because we are innocent. I love this. I imagine I bring all my shit to Jesus and a jury and then they look at me and say "Well, where is your evidence of your horrible crimes?" and I turn to show them and there isn't anything there. It disappeared. Then they smile and invite me out for a picnic lunch. 

I am learning slowly. Everyday I get a little better at noticing the ego and calling on Jesus instead. With Jesus the blocks to love's presence are being removed. 

Bring on Love & Peace:)