The social network for students and teachers of "A Course in Miracles"
Hi everyone! I am fairly new to this site and am finding myself irritated. "hehe" Ego, dude! I tell ya, quite a ... parasite, huh? Summary: My sister and I have been at odds since I can remember. I've worked forgiveness, have forgiven though not completely. It's like, I'll work a forgiveness issue with her and it will go away, then BLAM! New snot pops up and is worse! So, I work it (giving it over is what I mean by working, meditation, communion, etc.) which at times may take months. This is the way it works: I see her, we visit, kinda... then BLAMO -ego flops in and takes over! I keep my mouth shut and look at her evilly, avoiding allowing her to speak to me. Ignore her, whatever it takes, otherwise I am going to rip her to shreds! Then don't see her for weeks, or months.
So, last visit at my mom's, ego was fed a bit, and when I left, I was shaking so hard, my heart rate was up, I had an anxiety attack, and within 1/4 mile from leaving, I was physically settled down. You know, what was interesting? I could "visualize" the shadow settling back down in my mind. Now, when you think of that, a lot of good it does, right? Ya... settle the dust rather than vacuum it up or blow it out with a fan.... ya, real good! So, here I am a week later. "rolling eyes, sigh" Go visiting, she's there, she opens the door for my ego in telling me that I offend other people with the things I say/do (ME??? No, not ME!!! - I am a very blunt person who isn't too concerned about others emotional state; it's a lie anyway. I've studied psychotherapy, couseling and other junk) and I let her know I didn't care if others were offended that their offense is theirs - and have been this way since day one. I thought I learned early on that the "nicey nicey" people were walking lies (I didn't realize we ALL are). So, here we are, and ego is throwing daggers, biting, slapping, kicking and even called her husband a chicken poo (though not that nicely) for not calling me on "offending him" over 2 years ago. BAH! Growl, Bark, Bite, rabid, frothing, charging, attack! Attack! ATTACK! DEFEND, defend!! OMG!!! DEFEND!!! While we are not quite yelling back and forth, Dad, who is also studying ACIM, with his back to me, very quietly said, "you are being ego." Inner eye popped open surprised! Seriously! It was like... POP! My inner "mouth" dropped to the floor as I saw what he was talking about, and I didn't hear a word my sister was saying. I looked at her with a smart-uh... you know, look, and said, "You're right." She got this pleased, sideways face look and I repeated, "You are right" and then again. It took THREE times for the ego to run into the depths and gather more ammo. I was shaking so bad I thought for sure I was going to rattle the house! Interesting getting a glass of water with that much motion going on in the hands! HA! I threw on my coat and went to the rig for a smoke. As I walked out, her sweet little voice said, "Jeri, don't leave!" with a slight amount of "extra honey". Anyway, I didn't stop. By the time I got to my vehicle, settling had begun and I was calming greatly. Get this, then ego, not wanting to lose this opportunity, started shouting.. LITERALLY.. shouting, in my head, "THAT EFFING B*T+H! HOW DARE SHE BE SO FAKE! SHE BETRAYED YOU! BETRAYED!" with a few other expletives. I stopped in mid of what I was doing, realized the game, and laughed! I stood in the parking lot, laughing! I laughed for a good 5 minutes, went back to the apt and shared the fun with my Dad, while others listened. My sister, not understanding the mind game, began defending herself on not betraying me. I told her it meant nothing, that the only important part was that I was laughing about it, and no, she had not betrayed me! BAH!
Ego has been prominent recently, anger and frustration, irritation and FEAR, wow.. the fear!
Have never believed one must "work through" emotions, that there is a way to "remove" them. I found with the Holy Spirit and Jesus holding my hand, this is true in my experience, for the most part. The sorrow and guilt, for instance, with my sisters death years ago is good example. I felt the pain for about 5 seconds before the Holy Spirit was allowed to remove it. :) Same with regrets of raising my child, shame and so on. Yes, I see them, yes I feel them, yes I experience them for a short time, and yes, I hand them over. Although, there is one I've kept , it will become the picture on the slideshow again. We'll see what happens, huh?
In Love, Laughter and Song!
Thanks for the reminder, Patricia, of the 'Rules for Decision' Lesson. I'll grab that one and use it until it's habit. What I have been using pretty regularly is a song about guidance.
What would you like to know about me? I'm journeying, have been since I can remember. Just didn't realize what I was doing. :) Delved into spiritual junk including Shamanism, Wicca (even did a spell or two!), meditation (that was my first experience at being IN God), overcame fear before I knew of ACIM through not allowing it to take over and facing it, hated God, resented Jesus (religious one, of course) and journeyed on and on. Remembered that when I would 'accidentally' hurt myself, it was because I was thinking negatively so would change my thoughts. ACIM put things into perspective and gave me a curriculum to follow so I wasn't just meandering through with no help. 'sigh'
As for Eckhart Tolle Dr Suess, just check it out. :) You will be introduced to some wonderful humor regarding the spiritual. Do check on the guys website, he has some beautiful music. :) If it's not your forte', that's okay too. I am totally into laughter, poking fun and being joyful.
Blessings, Patricia! Am off to commune ...
I've been trapped in the pain of an injury caused by... yup, anger. I worked and worked to give it over, and when I could walk no more, decided to follow HS and go see a Cracker-Practor. So, here I am - 5 days later, able to walk, very stiffly, very painfully, and able to notice the thoughts (some) that cause spasms. :) Have also noticed a bit of relief after confessing my wanting specialness to a friend, who has not practiced ACIM, and says it's 'normal', and so on. :) So, that stopped the flow. Anyway. Story? Am a single, mid 40's woman, living alone. Wood heat, horse, fencing to do, make dump runs to be rid of garbage, yadda, yadda. Child is grown and has family of his own, though does help out when he can. :) Well, in all this, am very limiting (to myself, in my own mind of course) and learning to not blame others. So, am frugal and pick up as much free firewood as possible. So, I did... and boy was I mad when I loaded it, then self pity when unloading, mixed with anger, and the ol' stand by of, "I'm an OLD woman, I shouldn't be doing this! Others SHOULD BE HELPING" HA! Talk about self concepts! 'rolling eyes' So, what happened? My hip went out (Old Injury; another self concept created out of anger towards the stupidity of a co-worker). I figured I could get it back in, didn't need help (talk about INSANE, double standard, sheesh!) so of course, I kept loading, unloading, loading and unloading. One evening, I had to crawl into my kitchen from the bed to get up. Yup, at 4 a.m., I called and left messages on answering machines at Chiropractor offices. At 7 I was called back, by 10:30, the hip was back in with swelling, nerve pinching and the like. Now, since pain has subsided and I've gotten a few hours sleep (extra, didn't realize how much fatigue pain caused...) I've been watching the thoughts. During the ordeal of the unbearable "somebody shoot me or cut the nerve!" pain, I attempted consistently to reach out and allow Christ in. Too much, just too damned much self pity, pain, and I was fighting it. I did attempt to go into it, in a sorts, accept and give it over (more than once), and there would be a little relief then it would be WAY worse... so I was unable to handle it. "shrug" He knows me and showed me what a dork I was being for thinking I could handle anything. BAH! I'm just a toddler in all this. "snerk"
Finally accepted my belief in the body. Yah, I'd been denying it. HA! That was another lesson I worked, "I am not a body, I am free. I am still as God created me." THAT lesson really helped day #2 of the journey of Chiropractor cracking, massaging and pulling. :)
I am gimping around still, have a numb foot, cramped calf, painful spasms in upper thigh and hip, yet... it's so MUCH BETTER! I can walk! And if I remember to forgive the stupidity of my own beliefs, relief comes for a moment or two. Heck, got a touch irritated at someone tonight and had a spasm. That was an, "OH, WOW! now I know..." moment.
Weird, little 'freak' out feelings are coming with this one. TOTAL loss, complete vulnerability, helplessness, hopelessness, needing someone to save me.. and when they start to come on, I focus on Christ and His rendition of the truth. :)
So, with that, I am outta here. You all have a beautiful weekend!
Blessings in Eternal Love!
Jeri..hello again...I was really glad to see your post. So far (and I certainly hope it continues) I have had very minor bouts with physical pain...so I hear your words about it but don't really KNOW about it but I certainly relate to all the emotions "behind the scene" that you describe.
I'm 64...live in Costa Rica...left the States (San Francisco Bay Area) with my husband Brian in 1987.
The Reader's Digest Version is that he has designed bamboo furniture all these years and has certainly appeared to be a creative success but in fact has not had a month "in the black" in at least 12 yrs. I supported us both and his business by being a painter...then about the time I was completely burned out...he inherited some money from a brother who died...the business has eaten thru most of that too (altho he did give me some of it)...he and I separated amicably ( he lives up the road from me and we see each other all the time) and thru a weird bunch of circumstances I began to raise a little boy..not my own..who's mother left the home..and altho his paternal family lives nearby...there wasn't exactly a place for him. Then I inherited a little money when my mother died...and the boy and I did some fantastic travelling...I wasn't WISE at all and don't regret it but do wonder what will happen next.....the boy Brandon is 12 now.
Last night the 3 of us watched a movie on the Spiritual Cinema called "Finding Joe"...it's a documentary about what Joseph Campbell calls the Hero's Journey....following one's bliss and trusting that the universe will open doors for one if one does what one loves. I know that Brian has been waiting for those doors to open for him for many years in the area of his work....but the "bliss" that he has not followed all these years is that at root he is gay. He is about to close the doors on his business..he has already given his 2 helpers notice...we will then be living on 2 very small SS checks...we also live rather modestly but have not been exactly frugal but somehow I know all of that will work out.
Last night tho...I felt pretty sure as we watched the hero's journey that Brian is going to have to confront his sexuality...I know that may sound crazy at our age (he's even a few years older than I am)....and as I was washing the dishes...I turned all of that over to the HS and felt that I trusted the Journey....I just kept saying Bless him...Bless him...Bless him. When he got up to go home..he didn't say much...goodnight to myself and the little boy.
Today..I feel tired and a little scared....more than a little scared but also as I write..a little excited to SEE what will happen. We live in a foriegn country...and everything that seemed like a good idea when we were younger now feels a bit more uncertain...we have no family here (actually I have no family anywhere now) of course we have friendships with neighbors but all their deep roots are with their "own"..not with us....we have the little boy who trusts and depends entirely on us.
That's my "story"....Bless you Jeri for coming back online with your's...I may start a new Forum space with my journal entries where I deal with the "behind the scenes" using the tools of the Course...Conversations with God and other similar sources.
May we all Journey On......love to you and thanks for your courageous telling..warts and all...pme.
Oh, Patricia! Beautiful!~
I did notice a lot of references to your ex and your expectations of him...? 'wink'
Nutshell: Married an alcoholic (well, I SAW the Christ in him and attempted to nurture it out... HA!), divorced in 2009 on December 31st, started the course a year later. Financial hardships befell me, mom had heart issues then issues at work. 'sigh' Twas a dark time, indeed. Tried to burn house down a couple times and failed miserably (being facetious), though did clean out the stack rather well! I live a simple life; cabin, wood heat, propane cooking, dog, cat and horse. I FINALLY realized my life was centered around others and expecting so much in return. Am still giving that over to HS. :)
The pain (recently) has been extreme. I yelled alot, blamed alot, cussed Jesus out, cried out for Him to save me from myself, didn't understand what I was misunderstanding about myself then realized: ALLOW Christ, quit looking for the solving OUT there... yes, use the doctors, use the pain meds, use whatever is desired to create comfort since I still believe in the body. A few days ago, I sat down in a.m., no schedule. ACIM was in front of me, open. I shut it, got my coffee, a smoke, and began to ernestly, honestly, pray for guidance (which I was unable to do in the pain). I opened ACIM and the lesson, "My holiness blesses the world" was what I opened t to. I worked it. That evening, Son was here and brought up something from MANY years ago. I slept on it, and next a.m., same ritual. But this time, I wrote a letter to him regarding the past 'experience' and all the BS that was involved. My back released the spasms and it's been pain free since. :) Well, a little achy every now and again yet I can walk. He (son) keeps popping up in my head, and I know there is more, yet am unable - at this time (unwilling, actually) - to look at it. I keep handing it over and quit working it. Meantime, each day is progressively better. :)
Ego is less and less rampant; more sneaky now. My 2 year old grandson, tonight, came up to me and tried to bite my face and punched me twice (reaction to something he ate I think... or perhaps I PUT that on HIM! Hmmmmm), and I half slapped/pushed him away. I realized what I had done immediately and held him - apologizing. At that moment, I had chosen again. THIS is what I seek, though before I DO anything. Used to be a long time afterwards I would realize what I'd done. 'sigh'
Patricia, I lift you in prayer to the LIfe Source with your learnings.
Blessings, in eternal Love... ;O)
Jeri....I just got home from a kind of 1 1/2 day religious pilgrimage that a lot of Costa Ricans make once a year around Aug 2..so I'm hot sweaty and a little tired right now...guests tomorrow but once again I want to thank you for your post...you are right (altho you didn't exactly say it) that I have lots and lots and lots to give over to Holy Spirit regarding my ex husband and also the little boy I'm raising and also the little boy's father.....those three are on the tip of my personal iceberg....and then there's all the submerged stuff.
Yesterday in a very old fashioned town here called Orosi...I saw a dipiction of Jesus...God the Father as a wise old man and the Holy Spirit over all as a bird. Nothing NEW about that but I love the idea of HS flying free...here..there..and everywhere doing his work...with us and for us. And I admire the work you are willing to do....also glad it led to some relief.
Thank you for lifting me in prayer...maybe that was what helped me remember today's lesson a little more often than usual "All things are lessons God wd. have me learn"