The social network for students and teachers of "A Course in Miracles"
Hi everyone! I am fairly new to this site and am finding myself irritated. "hehe" Ego, dude! I tell ya, quite a ... parasite, huh? Summary: My sister and I have been at odds since I can remember. I've worked forgiveness, have forgiven though not completely. It's like, I'll work a forgiveness issue with her and it will go away, then BLAM! New snot pops up and is worse! So, I work it (giving it over is what I mean by working, meditation, communion, etc.) which at times may take months. This is the way it works: I see her, we visit, kinda... then BLAMO -ego flops in and takes over! I keep my mouth shut and look at her evilly, avoiding allowing her to speak to me. Ignore her, whatever it takes, otherwise I am going to rip her to shreds! Then don't see her for weeks, or months.
So, last visit at my mom's, ego was fed a bit, and when I left, I was shaking so hard, my heart rate was up, I had an anxiety attack, and within 1/4 mile from leaving, I was physically settled down. You know, what was interesting? I could "visualize" the shadow settling back down in my mind. Now, when you think of that, a lot of good it does, right? Ya... settle the dust rather than vacuum it up or blow it out with a fan.... ya, real good! So, here I am a week later. "rolling eyes, sigh" Go visiting, she's there, she opens the door for my ego in telling me that I offend other people with the things I say/do (ME??? No, not ME!!! - I am a very blunt person who isn't too concerned about others emotional state; it's a lie anyway. I've studied psychotherapy, couseling and other junk) and I let her know I didn't care if others were offended that their offense is theirs - and have been this way since day one. I thought I learned early on that the "nicey nicey" people were walking lies (I didn't realize we ALL are). So, here we are, and ego is throwing daggers, biting, slapping, kicking and even called her husband a chicken poo (though not that nicely) for not calling me on "offending him" over 2 years ago. BAH! Growl, Bark, Bite, rabid, frothing, charging, attack! Attack! ATTACK! DEFEND, defend!! OMG!!! DEFEND!!! While we are not quite yelling back and forth, Dad, who is also studying ACIM, with his back to me, very quietly said, "you are being ego." Inner eye popped open surprised! Seriously! It was like... POP! My inner "mouth" dropped to the floor as I saw what he was talking about, and I didn't hear a word my sister was saying. I looked at her with a smart-uh... you know, look, and said, "You're right." She got this pleased, sideways face look and I repeated, "You are right" and then again. It took THREE times for the ego to run into the depths and gather more ammo. I was shaking so bad I thought for sure I was going to rattle the house! Interesting getting a glass of water with that much motion going on in the hands! HA! I threw on my coat and went to the rig for a smoke. As I walked out, her sweet little voice said, "Jeri, don't leave!" with a slight amount of "extra honey". Anyway, I didn't stop. By the time I got to my vehicle, settling had begun and I was calming greatly. Get this, then ego, not wanting to lose this opportunity, started shouting.. LITERALLY.. shouting, in my head, "THAT EFFING B*T+H! HOW DARE SHE BE SO FAKE! SHE BETRAYED YOU! BETRAYED!" with a few other expletives. I stopped in mid of what I was doing, realized the game, and laughed! I stood in the parking lot, laughing! I laughed for a good 5 minutes, went back to the apt and shared the fun with my Dad, while others listened. My sister, not understanding the mind game, began defending herself on not betraying me. I told her it meant nothing, that the only important part was that I was laughing about it, and no, she had not betrayed me! BAH!
Ego has been prominent recently, anger and frustration, irritation and FEAR, wow.. the fear!
Have never believed one must "work through" emotions, that there is a way to "remove" them. I found with the Holy Spirit and Jesus holding my hand, this is true in my experience, for the most part. The sorrow and guilt, for instance, with my sisters death years ago is good example. I felt the pain for about 5 seconds before the Holy Spirit was allowed to remove it. :) Same with regrets of raising my child, shame and so on. Yes, I see them, yes I feel them, yes I experience them for a short time, and yes, I hand them over. Although, there is one I've kept , it will become the picture on the slideshow again. We'll see what happens, huh?
In Love, Laughter and Song!
Jeri! This is so amazing... what a transformation when we're willing to see that we're in ego. It's awesome that your dad is studying ACIM too!
Wow! I think you're so right- what point is there in analyzing? I keep learning in my own life that analysis is a form of attack. There is nothing to figure out! There is only to hand it to the Holy Spirit. Each moment is a new chance to choose Atonement, the sweet peace of forgiveness and surrender.
Thank you Jeri, your authenticity is so powerful.
Thanks, Christy and Corrine. :)
Interesting turn of events since this ~ego dominated~ moment in time, though. I have found it much easier to love my sister in the Love of God, and even to see her husband and son in the same, yet... this layer being removed opened a layer towards my mom! I'm all.. OMG!!! I CAN'T have issues with MOM! I am her Personal Care Assitant! NOOOoooooooo.... while ego laughs the whole time, feeds it and pushes it. Have learned a new prayer for forgiveness and am using it for EVERY thought I can; dudettes.. it is DIFFICULT! I use it and immediately something else pops up and sometimes it's just difficult to keep up with everything. Am too attached to words, I am starting to see. At any rate, here's the prayer by Nuko Sanchez (I ordered her book last night): Holy Spirit (or just Spirit, or Christ... ),help me to forgive myself for using (fill in blank with name, situation or feeling) to attack myself and separate myself from Your Love. Amen/Thank You/in Gratitude, etc., etc. I also find myself avoiding facing the whole "mom" issue and prefer to stick with the little things, like my belt flipping on my truck, or tangled ropes, or mud, or (fill in the blank). Seems I am so busy with stupid things (seem to be lately, anyway) and don't have time to go into a day or even a few hours of insanity, totally, mind breaking, tear releasing, gut wrenching mucousy insanity where Christ cleans it away. How ridiculous is that? I just want to run away, and He says, "Everywhere you go, you take yourself with you and there you are. Here, now. Not tomorrow in Arizona or (fill in blank)." So, I ignore that! "crossing eyes - derrrrrr".
At any rate, even in all the junk listed above, there is progression and I am SOOoo grateful for that! And that I can hold a conversation with my sister looking all liberal and sorry for me, or pitying me without much needling in my mind is WONDERFUL!
I know I have learned much through reading others experiences and what they are dealing with at any particular time, and in this I am very grateful to have been led to this site. :) Thank you all very much, and if anyone is ever interested, I do have a "journal" of sorts at:https://www.facebook.com/AcimJournal
not alot of inspiring stuff; mainly the journey, effects, affects and stuff dealt with at that moment in time which has been forgotten about. :) Am thinking of deleting it after I copy and paste into my journal on the puter.
So few seem to come out and tell the truth of their journey with ego/Christ, and I have found that in total honesty comes relief. :) As Christ said, The Truth Will Set You Free..... though he most likely meant the Truth of God and of the World, until we reach that point, being truthful with ourselves is part of the journey.
Blessings, eternally in Love...
Jeri- You're just plain awesome :)
I totally agree - you're just plain awesome!!!! :)
Your ALL just awesome! :)
By golly, everyone is just magnificently beautifically marvelous! Now... to put that into action at all times... ;~) *giggle* Have a fantabulous weekend, Blessed Holy Children of God!
Thanks for sharing your story. It helps me so much to read about another's
struggles with the ego and ways to heal. In my case when the ego arrives
and takes over and starts ranking and raving I am totally shocked that this
thing is part of me. It is so opposite to how I usually am and how I like to live.
For years I have tried to suppress it with mixed results, It still makes an appearance,
(mind you not as often). I know I need to bring my thoughts and feelings in to awareness
so that I can release them with the help of the holy spirit which I do sometimes. But
sometimes the ego just wants to put the knife in and shuts out all awareness.
A suggestion was made of using this particular blog to journal. I would like to open it up specifically for that. ONE of these days, when I get a website built (Ya, right - I've paid for the domain... 'sigh') would like to start a blog area on ego, the dimensions of layers we seem to be experiencing, sharing EXPERIENCE, coming up with our own ideas and get away from being 'told' to "read this, read that, listen to... blah, listen to... blah" to gleen information. I have found in my own experience that - yes, listening to others is helpful, as long as I realize that their path is not mine. 'Perhaps I want more, perhaps I am not ready for... thus and so', etc. And, the majority of the teachers/guides in the world do not speak of the negative thoughts, feelings and experiences we seem to think we are having in any kind of depth. It's all about "look to the light, find the joy" and so on and so forth. This is great, yet... sometimes we get stuck in the shadowy areas and don't know HOW to get out of it! It would be cool to open up to that, for in exposing the lie do we overcome it, laugh at it and move on. It is no longer scary. And perhaps some have great ideas of how to get out. What works for me may not work for you, yet yours might work for someone else. So, support would be what this is about. Nothing but support. Telling our honest, ego stories - no hidden thoughts (David Hoffmeister pushes this, as well as no people pleasing). We can give it a whirl! I'll start off with an old journal entry from frustration and ego. :)
March 7, 2012
While looking at my personal FB, am finding myself irritated at so many living in the past, memories, bringing up... "remember when?" or "when this happens!" <living in the future, all of which I seem to be dealing with in smaller doses than before. It used to really get the ego going, wanting to tell everyone how stupid they were for living in the past/future when now is all there is... (I wasn't living in the now, ... what the!!!) My regular FB page has become boring. I used to ask questions in regards to Fundamental Religion (looking for explanations of a particular belief), got bashed by a Christian for it, so quit asking questions. "shrug" <living in the past... egoism. Not that I want to stir the pot (oh, sure ego does!). Buwhahahaaaa.
Now I see the political stuff being argued over and want to pipe up and say, "Don't you see? This is all symptomatic of something else! You can CHANGE nothing IN this world! Prayer is all that will help; lifting each and every perceived problem to Christ and Father!" ANnnnnnndddd..... I don't.
Yes Jeri...I very much like the idea of our sharing ego struggle...big ones and little.
A few months ago <i started a journal from which I'll be happy to draw..day after day really big issues came up for me..guilt..shame..anger and hatred. If you knew me..you wd. think I look and act like a fairly regular person. I seem friendly and helpful. Sort of "normal" if there is such a thing...but all the while there was this stuff roiling around in me...lots more than I even realized. Then I started just "observing" myself...remembering that the Course says that even the slightest irritation is covering up rage. As i began to write i found that to be very true. I also found what Jeri said in the first big thing I read by her...the only way to get out of it is to go thru it with all the feelings surfacing (in my case writing it out helps and I mean just letting the writing POUR out with all the pain and tears and mucous as Jeri said)...its a private process that takes brutal honesty and some time...I like to be sure that I'll have some privacy too because I just want the emotions to come out as they will and altho everything I do is confined to a piece of paper...sometimes the experience is wrenching.
Right now I'm in a space of peaceful lull...after 25 yrs of reading the ACIM on and off I finally GOT what it means to give things up to the Holy Spirit for healing. It was thru Sarah's Reflections that come along with my daily email from the Course...I get up at about 4 am every morning...looking forward to receiving the Daily Lesson on my computer and reading her commentary...she has repeated so many times about observing our reactions to things and then stepping back and letting the Holy Spirit heal...that I finally got it. Before that I knew I had a lot to forgive (it had to be that because I felt so miserable so often)...but I didn't know HOW or in past years I wasn't sure what I was supposed to forgive..nor whom nor when..that all sounds ridiculous now...but that's how it was for me...I was in agreement with "forgiveness" but didn't know how to go about it...now I see the Holy Spirit does it for us and gives us back our peace.
So only very recently have I begun to give EVERYTHING up to the Holy Spirit and it is such a relief...then I learned of this website and I'm not sure how..but the first thing that appeared was Jeri writing about her ego and I really felt I had come home. She didn't write anything in the abstract...she showed the real thing...thank you Jeri...so let's let the party begin.
We all have big issues...but there are the little ones too...the thousands of judgements that we make every hour...just looking at Facebook this morning...who is smart..who is stupid..who is fat..who is thin..who is clever who is dull and its me just setting it all up in order to be "right" "special" and "separate". Now as I've written those last sentences I feeI a pang of "fear" that I've exposed myself as not "nice" and that none of you will "like" me.. so I'm giving that fear to the Holy Spirit...as I trust my brothers who are one with me.
I'm glad and grateful to be here...thanks Jeri and to you all....pme.
WOW!! Thank you Patricia! Beautiful! Your post made me realize that I am not giving over as often as I could. :) And the facebook mention drove it home. Yup, I'm there, too. I continue to visit, since it's such a good teaching tool though. ~hehe~ Of the worldly, I would be considered a glutton for punishment since so many postings on FB make me angry or I want to "belittle" the poster by showing how much "better" I am than they. BAH! *LOL* Every now and again I fall for it, post, then delete.
I awoke this morning (slept quite late) and wanted to stay in the 'in between' where God is. I called Him and His light, and back to sleep I went. When I finally awoke for the day, I was almost afraid to move. Here's the thought process (not complete, but as much as I can recall).
History: A few weeks ago, I loaded and unloaded firewood into/out of my truck. The next day, my left hip was 'out' and has been very painful since. It's not stopped me from anything, only slowed me down a bit.
So, a few nights ago, I got really pissed and told Jesus/HS that I am sick and tired of being in pain! Well, stuff started moving throughout my back, and this body would 'spontaneously' stretch at times, popping stuff around. *LOL* So, when I woke up this morning, I lay there, quietly, afraid to move. Gently a stretch came on, "POP" - something moved in the lower back. In the mind, a release of some sort was felt. So, I got up and pain shot through the hip down to the ankle. Okay, I'm pissed again. Got my coffee, realized it's a habit I would like to break at some point, got my smoke.. again, another habit I would like to break.... then I sat at the table where the Course lays open with a pen and notebook next to it. I sat there, blank with anger kinda broiling with no thought process. And like a volcano, it exploded and I yelled at HS and Jesus and said, "I DON"T SEEK EXCUSES FOR THE DECISIONS I MAKE!" and the pain got worse! Mind popped up with original "excuse' for hip having this problem... I was working for Holiday Station Stores. There was stock in hallway that wasn't marked. I had time, so checked each case by pulling it out and turning it so whoever needed the stock could find what they were looking for. I also put each item together and attempted to put the most used on top. Next day when I went in, someone had re-done it and stock was no longer marked (boxes were turned). This pissed me off thoroughly and I decided I was not going to do anything like that anymore! Well, my hip went 'out' that day. Funny, huh? ALL the work I had done the night before, some idiot had undone because they didn't give a flying frogs leg the work that anyone else may have to do to find what is needed/wanted! Oh, I was/am so pissed about that! Then... okay, working forgiveness now... laughter! *LOL* Hoorah!
So recently, during the loading of my truck with firewood: There were many people at this place who could have helped me (though I didn't ask). I loaded the truck, pissed because no one came over.. everyone could see what I was doing, and no one came over out of their own 'giving' to help! Why should I have to ask? What the heck is wrong with people that they see a middle aged woman (wow.. talk about self concepts here, huh?) working like this and they won't help? We could have had the stacking done in 1/3 the time and my back wouldn't hurt if someone would HELP! - Would you believe I was pissed as heck for hours during this? At this time, my back didn't hurt at all. I got home after the barbeque (4-6 hours later) and decided to unload the next day, with the feeling of helplessness, anger and selfishness biting at the back of my mind. During the whole day, I did attempt to 'hand it over' while in the midst of it. Didn't work. If I had been further along in learning, I guess... (another concept), perhaps I would have blown my top while working to get it out of my system, which would have been better than holding onto it and feeding it. "shrug" Still learning... 'hehe' Regardless of all else, I do enjoy this journey. Okay, so next day, Sunday, my brother calls and says he's coming out (his canoe paddles are buried under the wood in the truck). He got here and helped me unload, bitching the whole time about other people not helping and all the concepts of the world (of which I agreed with him on... duh). And, as I write this, my back/hip is spasming. :) So, got it unloaded, and the next a.m., out with the hip, sciatic nerve is screaming, nerves are screaming in a plate fashion over the lower lumbar/tail bone... Oh, boy. This is going to be fun. My mind went into "gotta take a few days off work" (I help people for a living, and LOVE IT!). Nope, off I went.
What's cool is that a few days before the loading of my truck, I focused on the lower back for healing, and it grew very cold about 3 times. Well, I was attempting to use what Christ calls 'magic'. I think it's his way of saying, "Nope, don't use magic... we'll push it so you can find the true cause (a previous decision and thought pattern) and until you find it and release, you will be as you want to be. Okay, FINE! Yes, I have gone off on them many times since this. Meditation doesn't work very often for me, I'm a contemplater. So, since I've been focusing more on seeing the Christ in everyone of late, I've not been focusing on forgiveness, or perhaps, I have? I don't know how it all works, I just know that I am tired of beating myself up (back pain) for something I am not even aware I am thinking or holding on to! In fact, I think this would be a good day for a rage! I'll stomp through the house - well, you know... as much as I can with the owie, and bitch and complain and cry and fall over in slobbery, snotty tears! So, if anyone would like to join me..??? ~giggle~
Patricia, do you have any ACIM music? I've found Resta Burnham (more like folk music or gospel) and there's also Scott Grace (Kalechstein). Love their stuff! And since I am in my vehicle so much during the day, it's almost as if I am 'praying' the whole time, listening to Resta's stuff. Scott can be seen on YouTube. Search for Eckhart Tolle Dr Suess. That's how I became aware of his stuff.
Blessings, in eternal Love! Wootah!
Jeri...just checked in to see if there were any "replies" and found yours. Today in Sarah's Reflections on my ACIM email..she mentioned the Rules for Decision...these are found in Chapter 30 of the text...on page 581 in the book I use...its about having exactly the kind of day that you want.
Since this is the first time I've heard about it...i can't say that it worked perfectly but at least on a couple of occasions I did get Ego to back down rather easily..instead of plowing ahead..trying to control...trying to argue...trying to convince...trying to be"RIGHT"...I just stepped back because the first thing to say is "Today I will make no decisions by myself"...anyway...i have no idea how any of this wd. work with physical pain...but I'm mentioning it.
I don't have any ACIM music...of course I know the author Eckhart Tolle but why do you say Eckhart Tolle Dr. Suess.
Wd. you tell me something more about yourself? In the meantime...Bless and Be Blessed...pme. Let's Journey On....love from pme.
Anyway...what I wanted for today was 1) to enjoy and be enjoiyed 2) to thank and be thanked 3) to make a concrete sale of $5 000 worth of paintings.
I'd say the first two were more or less accomplished...nothing on the 3rd front (so far)...I definitely remembered to express more gratitude than i usually do...as for the things that didn't go absolutely perfectly...another step is "I want another way of looking at this"