A Holy Instant

by John Hutkin

[This piece was published in our very first issue    of A Better Way in October of 1991, but it has proven    enduringly popular, for reasons that will become obvious once you    read it.]

Many times as a Course student I have asked  that I might forgive this person or situation and see it with vision.  But I know somewhere in the back of my mind was my desire to have the situation changed to something more acceptable to me, as well as a desire to hold onto my concept of right and wrong.

One time I did ask to forgive with no strings attached—it seemed like   a very minor forgiveness—and I received a holy instant and was convinced   that reality and eternity exist; which goes to show that the Course asks   very little and gives so much in return. As I look back, the single key that opens   all the doors is that when we ask to forgive, we must truly turn it over to  the Holy Spirit without any other consideration of how it should  be.

I had attended a Course in Miracles class on  Tuesday evenings for over four years. The leader and host of the  group, Sally, always gave a 20-30 minute meditation at the beginning,  before we read from the Course. I always had a problem with  these meditations, for I felt that 90% of them had nothing to do with  the Course and in many cases were imbedded in what theCourse calls "magic." I saw them for the most part  as her ego trip, and as a result I would really judge her.

I remember coming into class one night. It was right  before the meditation was to start. I said to myself just before I  came in the door, "I am not going to judge Sally today. I'm  just going to do my [Workbook] lesson." I don't even  remember what the lesson was. I do remember very vividly that I was  perfectly clear in my decision not to judge Sally. Looking back, I  see there have been many other times when I've said I'm not  going to do this or that, but I don't remember ever being as  clear about it as I was this time. It just seemed that that's  what I really wanted to do. I was absolute in my intention at that  moment. It didn't feel weighty, like I had to do it or had been  forced into it. It was a decision that came from within.

When I sat down on the floor the lights were very low.  I think there were at least six people in this room, besides myself.  Sally started the meditation. I closed my eyes and repeated in my  mind that I was not going to judge Sally. And I started doing the  lesson. I wasn't expecting anything to occur, except that I might  feel better if I weren't judging Sally today.

Almost immediately after closing my eyes I saw Sally—the   Real Sally. And I was seeing her with the Real John (that's me).   Neither one of us were in the bodies that we normally would recognize.   She was not in the body that I'm used to seeing her in, but I   absolutely knew it was her, there was no doubt about it. The description   that comes to me now is that she was an energy form that I knew to be her.   At that moment I recognized I was seeing a high, pure part of Sally, I   could say the Christ Self now, but I'm not sure I really thought any   of those things at the time.

And my sense of myself was different. I did not feel  that I was in my body, but I was very conscious of my being, even  more conscious than I am while in a body. It was me in a  "purified," "higher self" version. It's  interesting, I was thinking these things about Sally and myself  simultaneously. I didn't really make a differentiation or  comparison between us. What I recognized in her I also recognized in  myself simultaneously.

The thing that struck me right away is that I felt more  love/joy in being in Sally's presence than I have ever felt  before. There was no other concept in my mind except love/joy/ecstasy  in being in her presence. It was an experience of pure absolute bliss  in coming into contact with someone. And I know that she felt the  same about me. There were no words spoken. All of this was just  clear. I felt a love, a sense of love, that surpassed any concept of  love that I have experienced on a conscious level. I have been in  love, I've had many male/female relationships, and in looking  back it was no comparison, because it was so much greater than  anything that I had ever experienced. And I said, "This is  love."

Not only did I meet Sally in this way, but I then  started to meet another person that was present in the room in the  same way. Again recognizing their individuality, but at the same time  recognizing the same level of love that I had with Sally; still  distinguishing individuality, but the love was the same, of the same  magnitude. That didn't change, it didn't go up, it didn't  go down, it just was the same. And this happened with each person  that was present in the room.

At this point when I was meeting with everyone in the  room, I felt God. And my sense was that He was smiling on me. I say  on me, because it felt like the sun when you're basking in it,  when it is not too hot and just warm enough to have this wonderful  warm feeling all around you. I felt I was basking in this smile. And  I just was aware that it was God. It was not like the normal  description of God, there was no physical aspect. It was more  spherical and smiling.

This whole process was happening without any sense of  time in it. It truly was timeless, eternal; there was no sequence or  concept of time passing. But the weird thing that started happening  immediately in meeting Sally and then the other individuals is that I  was giving everything that was in me to them and I was receiving  everything from them, simultaneously. There was nothing being held  back. I was fully giving of myself, which I can never remember doing.  I'm always feeling a sense of some holding back or some  consciousness of myself and what would be appropriate or  inappropriate to give. Everything at that moment was absolutely  given, freely without any thought of what it was. There was no need  to give it, just the absolute joy in doing it. It was just an  enhancement, but there was no need. And there was no reason to  withhold anything. The only thing was to give it. And I was  receiving. I was totally aware that I was receiving totally their  consciousness. And it was happening simultaneously. I don't know  how I can explain that, other than saying that my thoughts were given  and their thoughts were received at the same moment, without having  to discuss them or interact or in any way comprehend. It was just  happening. And again it was just pure joy.

And as we were getting closer and closer in space (if there   was any space between us—I guess I did have some sense of  space), it was like a heart beating, where in every beat it was  totally received and given at the same time. And when the whole gap  between space closed we were as one and intermingling. Again there  wasn't physical bodies, but we were intertwined; we came together  and moved through each other. And that I would have to say was a  combination of laughter and orgasm, but of a much more intense level.  I say orgasmic, but it was different. It's not something I really  can describe. I'm just using the word to try and capture some  sense of it. We were laughing hysterically, laughing in pure ecstasy,  like when you're out of control laughing. You're not thinking  or judging your own laughter, you're just laughing. That was  going on as part of a totally relaxed course of events. And we were  very appreciative of each other. There was a definite honoring of  each other, an appreciation of coming into contact, but not a solemn  one. It was just full of laughter and joy.

At this point, because I had this experience with just  these people, I remember asking myself, "Where is everyone  else?" And in that thought I was aware that everyone else that I  knew on this conscious level (or that I thought I knew) was present.  But not only that, everyone was present, and I don't know how I  knew that, but I just knew. If you had asked me is everyone in the  world there, I would have said "yes." Was everyone that was  ever in the world there? I would say "yes." Was there more  than everyone in the world past or future there? and I would say  "yes." I felt like I was in the middle and this expanded  out farther than I could see. But I was perfectly aware that everyone  was there. And then I remember asking, "Could I ever be  alone?" And in that moment I was totally alone.

Then I asked about travelling. "Could I be  anywhere?" In that moment I was travelling through something. I  don't know if they were planets or stars or something, but it  seemed that I was crashing into things. And I had this interesting  sense that I was absolutely safe. It dawned on me that you  couldn't be harmed, because I wasn't. I felt my energy  crashing into things and there was no consequence. I felt this  absolute safety. And I was realizing that everything was happening in  a thought. I could be anywhere, with anyone, doing anything, in a  thought.

Meanwhile, Sally's meditation had been going on. I  had never even heard any of the words. But at some point very near  the end of the meditation something was said in it that I started to  hear. At that moment I felt that now we were all at the same level,  that the consciousness of Sally's meditation had joined me where  I was. And then I remember hearing the words that were coming out of  the meditation, something about seeing water—however those  meditations end. And I started to feel my being being scrunched back  into my body, which I had been completely unaware of during this  entire episode. I had no sense of my body. I don't remember  feeling any sensations one way or the other. I didn't even notice  it. It just wasn't there. But all of a sudden I noticed it. And  it felt like I was bringing my consciousness back in and was stuffing  myself back into my body. And that was how it ended.

(John Hutkin is a Course student and teacher from St.  Louis)